Today, I am exhausted. I have no desire to do anything. The sun has been shining all day, but I haven’t had the energy to even put my shoes on and step into the yard. The few hours of studying I’ve managed to squeeze in were mostly a waste of time – I don’t know that anything really went in. I’m just not interested in anything but sleep. I’ve already had a morning and an afternoon nap, totaling 2 & 1/2 hours, and I’m seriously thinking about another one.
I have zero motivation today. The spectre of my looming qualification exams, which lately has been able to provoke unprecedented anxiety and push me to longer and longer hours of cramming, has no effect on me today. I could not care less. The future means nothing to me. There is just this overwhelming sleepiness, the dull pounding in my head, my swollen, itchy eyes, and the feeling that my body is made of lead. I don’t know if it’s the pinkeye, a reaction to my busy day yesterday, an extra wave of fatigue related to BLE, or a combination of all the above. Whatever it is, it’s quite overpowering.
And yet, I have not had a single thought about eating off plan. That is very interesting to me.
Usually, I would look at my inability to stick to a diet as a result of a lack of motivation. A deficiency in determination and stamina, and even character. Willpower is what is needed to stay disciplined about eating. Right?
But today, I can honestly say I do not care about the future. I don’t care about the consequences of my actions. At least, I care as little about these things as I can remember ever feeling. Of course, there is some part of my brain keeping me from doing anything ridiculously stupid. But it’s not concerned with things like exams, finances, or employment prospects. It certainly doesn’t care what I look like – my currently dishevelled appearance can attest to that. I’m pretty sure it’s not overly worried about what I weigh tomorrow, or next week, or a year from now. So it is not responsible for keeping me inside my bright lines.
The only reason my lines are still bright, today, is that staying inside them is easy. I had my food planned. All I had to do was heat it up. Simple. Looking for something else would have taken effort, and I’m just too lazy for that right now.
This is why I think Bright Line Eating will work in the long term: because it’s working when I am at my weakest. When I really don’t care. It’s still there, picking up the slack. Automatic. Effortless.
Susan Peirce Thompson has found something almost miraculous, here. I’m just glad I stumbled across it.