I feel terrible.

I know, I did this to myself. Did I think detoxing Cadbury Cream Eggs was going to feel good? Of course not. But I still consumed them. Because, apparently, I am the worst. I have to start being a little more concerned about future me when making decisions like this.

The headache pain is real. And it is growing. You don’t even know. It is just awful. I want nothing more than to pop some Advil and go to bed right now.

But I can’t. I have to write this blog. And by have to, I mean I made a commitment and I’m sticking to it. And that I need to remember what this feels like. I need something tangible, some record of this moment so that the next time I am tempted by NMF of any kind, I’ll have something to remind me exactly what I am setting myself up for.

This is brutal.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had worse. But this is plenty bad enough. I can’t concentrate on anything. My thoughts are pouring out here pretty much unfiltered, because I cannot be bothered to edit myself. And I’m not expecting anything profound to come out of me today.

I’m really trying to come up with something. Some sort of breakthrough, for the benefit of both you and me.

All I’ve got is this: it’s not worth it. Breaking the bright lines is not in any way worth it. At best, it is a temporary relief, a reprieve from the harsh realities of life. But you can’t keep it up forever. And as soon as you stop, those realities come back, meaner than ever. Don’t do it. Just don’t. Stay away from the NMF and keep living your beautiful BLE life because no matter how deprived you feel right now, you have it good. You have no idea how good you have it.

I feel like my body is full of poison. Like every cell is bathing in it, simmering in a soup of toxic compounds. Pain, nausea, fatigue and restlessness all rolled into one. At this point, I don’t even want to eat. I can’t imagine how food was ever in any way appealing to me. I know that it was – I can remember that – but I can’t for the life of me figure out how it was possible. I couldn’t conjure up a craving if I tried.

I feel sick. I never want to go through this again.

I want to be better. I want to treat myself better. I don’t want to be reckless with my body. To subject it to things that make me feel like this – or that keep me hooked on them just to avoid feeling like this. I want my body to be happy and healthy.

I want the bright lines. I want the safety, the reassurance, and the healing that comes with the bright lines. I want to stay on plan and push through this pain and to never cross those lines again.

Sugar, flour, you caused this.

You are dead to me.

Day 4: The Uphill Climb
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4 thoughts on “Day 4: The Uphill Climb

  • April 27, 2019 at 4:11 am

    Your breakthrough is happening. Keep writing. We have a binge eating disorder, withdrawals from binginging on sugar and flour is torture. Keep writing

    • April 28, 2019 at 1:55 am

      Thanks Cyndy! You are exactly right about the withdrawal.

  • April 28, 2019 at 12:27 am

    Hi Carla ! Since you’ve decided to be open & honest by expressing your thoughts & feelings with us, I will do the same .From my perspective deciding to eat a food that is not in the BLE Plan is not rational…it’s coming from another part of me (maybe subconscious) The consequences are known to me, but I don’t care. It’s what I need at the moment. Eating it is going to fulfill my need. That’s irrational. So, why do I do it ? Why do I torture myself ? What lies underneath ? My Yugoslavian friend would say, “You need to go where the bunny is sleeping”
    For me it’s missing out….being deprived, not really being free. Freedom for me is choosing what I want to do, not what others tell me to do. I also think I can get away with it, but I can’t. THERE’S ALWAYS A PRICE TO BE PAID.
    I’m hearing some strong words Carla, like I have to . Perhaps saying , I get to would make a difference. Just a suggestion.
    So I’m hearing that commitment is one of your core values, right ?
    And if a similar situation arises you’ll be able to reread this blog. & it will stop you.
    I remember when I was in the process of healing there were a # of helpful suggestiongs… expressing thoughts & strong fee lings in writing regardless of how it looked. Just get it on paper. I did that for a year. It was illegible. I found it very helpful.
    I have hit the bottom a few times & climbed up. That’s why I’m here.
    Do the words we use make a difference? I think they do. I’ve changed up a few & have boticed the difference. My favourite is not shoulding on myself .
    Thinking of you tonight my dear Carla. You can do this. Sending love & hugs. We care !!

    • April 28, 2019 at 2:03 am

      Thank you, Chris, for your love & hugs! Both are much appreciated.

      I know exactly what you mean about the rational and irrational sides. And you’re right, we do need to get to the bottom of it. Deprivation has been a big one for me, too. And I do need to see this as a choice I am making, rather than something being imposed on me. I think I’m getting there.

      Commitment is actually very hard for me. I make very few real commitments. I do feel that part of my problem in the past has been that I haven’t been 100% committed to this. I may have thought I was, for a while, but it wasn’t strong enough to keep me on track when the temptation became really strong.

      The writing is helping. I’m glad to hear it helped you, too.

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