I feel terrible.
I know, I did this to myself. Did I think detoxing Cadbury Cream Eggs was going to feel good? Of course not. But I still consumed them. Because, apparently, I am the worst. I have to start being a little more concerned about future me when making decisions like this.
The headache pain is real. And it is growing. You don’t even know. It is just awful. I want nothing more than to pop some Advil and go to bed right now.
But I can’t. I have to write this blog. And by have to, I mean I made a commitment and I’m sticking to it. And that I need to remember what this feels like. I need something tangible, some record of this moment so that the next time I am tempted by NMF of any kind, I’ll have something to remind me exactly what I am setting myself up for.
This is brutal.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had worse. But this is plenty bad enough. I can’t concentrate on anything. My thoughts are pouring out here pretty much unfiltered, because I cannot be bothered to edit myself. And I’m not expecting anything profound to come out of me today.
I’m really trying to come up with something. Some sort of breakthrough, for the benefit of both you and me.
All I’ve got is this: it’s not worth it. Breaking the bright lines is not in any way worth it. At best, it is a temporary relief, a reprieve from the harsh realities of life. But you can’t keep it up forever. And as soon as you stop, those realities come back, meaner than ever. Don’t do it. Just don’t. Stay away from the NMF and keep living your beautiful BLE life because no matter how deprived you feel right now, you have it good. You have no idea how good you have it.
I feel like my body is full of poison. Like every cell is bathing in it, simmering in a soup of toxic compounds. Pain, nausea, fatigue and restlessness all rolled into one. At this point, I don’t even want to eat. I can’t imagine how food was ever in any way appealing to me. I know that it was – I can remember that – but I can’t for the life of me figure out how it was possible. I couldn’t conjure up a craving if I tried.
I feel sick. I never want to go through this again.
I want to be better. I want to treat myself better. I don’t want to be reckless with my body. To subject it to things that make me feel like this – or that keep me hooked on them just to avoid feeling like this. I want my body to be happy and healthy.
I want the bright lines. I want the safety, the reassurance, and the healing that comes with the bright lines. I want to stay on plan and push through this pain and to never cross those lines again.
Sugar, flour, you caused this.
You are dead to me.