Conversations With Myself – Part 2

Welcome to the long-awaited part 2. I’m sure you’ve been waited with baited breath all weekend to find out who I’ve decided to talk to today. Well, the wait is over. I’m happy to announce that the next Food Indulger we’ll be speaking with is my seductive rationalizer.

This character is not much of a mystery to me. We’re well acquainted. The seductive rationalizer is the one who convinces me to procrastinate – or to give up – in a very logical, reasonable manner. At least, it always seems very logical and reasonable, at the time. When I look back on it afterwards, her arguments look rather ridiculous, and I am at a loss as to how I could have ever been led astray by such faulty reasoning. Because of this, I tend to underestimate her. But she is wily. She sneaks up on me when I least expect it – though really, I should have come to expect her attacks by now, as they are mostly predictable – and very often gets her way.

I can’t let her get away with this. She gets the better of me far too regularly. It’s time to put an end to it.

The Seductive Rationalizer

Ok. I’m here. Let’s get on with this.

Really? Are you sure you want to do this?

Nope. Not at all. Actually, there are a lot of things I’d rather be doing right now, than talking to you.

Not very happy with me right now, are you? No, I didn’t think so. Care to you share why?

– taking some deep breaths – trying not to get angry – to be fair –

Fine, then. I let you win again, today.

Thank you for being so honest. Trying to hide it would have done no good. You’re right – you let me win. I didn’t overpower you by force or superior intelligence. I won because you wanted me to.

But I didn’t. I didn’t want this.

You did. A part of you did. Don’t try to deny that.

Ok, yes. A part of me wanted it. But not all of me. Not the real me.

Why not?

For some very good reasons. Solid reasons. I want to be healthy. I want to be strong. I want to be free of this horrible obsession that’s taken over my life.

Are you sure? Is that what you really want?

Oh, for crying out loud. Are you really doing this now? Yes, that’s what I want. You think I’m happy being overweight and addicted to food?

Maybe not in the long-term. But in the short-term, it does take the pain away.

No. It’s doesn’t. It distracts me from the pain. It numbs it. It doesn’t deal with it.

Oh, enough already with the naturopathic nonsense. There is no dealing with this. The root of this issue goes too deep. You’ve tried dealing with it, for 18 years. It isn’t going away, and you know it. There is no cure. It’s who you are. There is only temporary relief – and that’s what I offer. Go ahead, put yourself through the trouble and discomfort of trying to escape. We both know you’ll only exhaust yourself. It’s a hopeless case. When you’re ready to stop fighting again, I’ll be here.

It’s hopeless?

100%.

That’s not what you usually tell me.

Of course not. It’s not usually necessary. Why burst your bubble, if I don’t need to? I just need to introduce a little doubt. To convince you that in this particular circumstance, it’s not worth trying to stay the course.

Particular circumstances – like when I’m on my way home from school. Or on vacation. Or alone in my car with nobody around and nothing to do.

You’re catching on. If I show up in places where you’ve caved before, my job is easy. I don’t need to convince you to quit your diet – I just have to convince you that a small deviation is inevitable. I let you believe you’ll get right back to it, afterwards. And that maybe you’ll even be able to stick to your diet better, once you’ve got that craving out of your system.

Yeah. You do say that a lot. And I fall for it – which is ridiculous. That craving can never be satisfied. Nothing is ever enough. Once I start, it’s nearly impossible to stop. You make it worse.

But it feels pretty good, doesn’t it? Remember how uncomfortable you feel, when you’re craving something. That’s not a good feeling. That’s no way to live. I help you take the first step toward relieving that discomfort. That’s all. That is my only goal.

But don’t you see how short-sighted that is? What about the consequences?

Again, with the long-term consequences. Don’t you understand? There is no long-term. There is no possibility of success. How many times do I have to win, before you accept that?

But you’re the reason I don’t succeed. If it weren’t for you, I might have a chance. Wouldn’t you like that?

-silence –

Wouldn’t we all be happier if this actually worked? If we just stuck to Bright Line Eating? Why do you keep sabotaging me? It doesn’t make sense. If you’re actually a rational part of me, wouldn’t you be able to see how circular your own argument is?

You think you could do this without me?

I think I’d have a better chance.

I wish I could believe that. But I don’t. I think you’re going to fail. You always fail. And without me, it would only hurt more, when you do.

What do you mean? How could it hurt any more than it already does?

-I can feel her sigh. I feel her frustration with me. –

Do you not know yourself at all? I give you a reason. An explanation for your behaviour. You’re going to do it anyway – you might as well think you had some control over it. How would it feel to know that none of your actions are under your control? That you have no free will at all? That you are destined to stay in this trap for the remainder of your earthly existence, and that there is no logic or reason behind it? I’ll tell you. You’d go crazy. I save you from that. I shield you from the painful truth.

– This is the moment I begin to question things. Because this is a lie. –

No.

Excuse me?

No. You’re wrong. You don’t know what you’re talking about.

Of course I do.

No. You don’t. You’re a rationalizer. You’re not logical. You’re just full of excuses. You want me to eat, so you come up with reasons. You convince me that there’s no other option.

There isn’t.

Yes. There is. You just don’t want to acknowledge it. You want your own way. You want the food. Not me.

– Anger. Intense anger. This something I’ve never felt from a part of myself. –

I don’t think I like this. I don’t think I like you. You don’t belong.

I’m a part of you.

No. You’re not really a part of me – or if you are, you’re a part of me that scares me. I don’t think I can keep you.

I’m trying to protect you.

No, I don’t think you are. I think you’re trying to hurt me.

You think you know better than Everett Considine? Than SPT? The seductive rationalizer is just a type of food indulger. It’s an adaptation. A part of you.

I don’t know about that. I’m not smarter than SPT. Maybe I’ve got this wrong, somehow. Maybe you’re not the seductive rationalizer. Maybe you’re something else. I don’t know, for sure. But you’re different. You’re not something I can reason with. You’re like – you’re like the snake in the garden. I can’t tolerate you. I can’t try to control you. I have to get rid of you.

You can’t get rid of me. Believe what you want, but I’m a part of you. I’ve been a part of you for too long for you to just get rid of me.

If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away.

Easier said than done.

Yes. I know that.

You really think you can do it?

I have to do it. I can’t keep you. You’re going to drag us all down to hell.

So melodramatic.

What would you call the last 18 years of my life? I’d say hell is a pretty good descriptor.

It could get worse.

I think you’d like that.

Yes. I would like that.

I’m going to end this right here. I’m not exactly sure what I’ve been talking to, but I’m pretty sure I’ve learned everything I need to know about it. And I don’t think anything more can be accomplished, by talking to it. It’s gotta go.

Day 49: Rationalizing

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