I don’t want to jinx this, but I feel a little better today.
I was expecting worse. After 4 months of nearly unrestrained eating, my body should be angry. It should be yelling at me right now. But it’s not: my headache is gone, and so are all the other toxic feelings. It’s late, so I’m a bit tired, but other than that, I’m fine.
Even more surprising, my resolve is rock solid. I haven’t had a single thought of cheating all day. I haven’t even considered the possibility of future indulgences. When I think about the future, I see bright lines. Without question.
I think my addicted brain realizes I’m serious, this time. It’s not wasting any effort trying to break my resolve, quite yet. I’m sure it will, eventually. But it will bide it’s time, waiting for a vulnerable moment.
For now, though, I’m just happy to be feeling a little better.
It came at a good time, too. I had a lot to do today, and I don’t know how I would have kept up if I’d been feeling the way I did yesterday. I had my last clinic shift as a 4th-year intern – and, I desperately hope, my last day of school. Ever. A happy occasion, for sure, but also a busy one. I felt like I was running the whole time: saying emotional goodbyes to patients; making sure every requirement was completed, all my paperwork signed and handed in; and then packing up my residence room – essentially dismantling the pieces of my life as a student, packing it in boxes and bags, and lugging it out to my brother-in-law’s truck.
It was a race against the clock, and I really don’t know where the energy came from. Probably adrenaline. In which case, you’d think I’d have crashed by now. But no. Again, I feel fine.
As we speak, I am babysitting my 4 nieces and nephews, while my sister and brother-in-law are seeing the newest Avengers movie. I’ve put all the kids to bed, so now I am basically alone in a house full of NMF. And this is the first time I’ve thought about it. Really. It hadn’t even occurred to me. There is no voice in my head, trying to convince me that I deserve a little snack after all my hard work today. I haven’t opened a single cupboard. There is a Tupperware container of homemade cookies on the kitchen counter, which the children called my attention to earlier this evening by generously offering me one. And I haven’t even glanced at it, until just now.
I see it. And it has no hold on me.
This is just lovely. If the rest of my life could go this smoothly, I would hardly know what to do with myself, I’d be so happy.
It won’t. I know that. There will be ups and downs. There will be times when the jar of cookies calls my name loudly, insistently. When my eyes will be drawn to it like a moth to a flame, and I won’t be able to think about anything else.
But I’m hoping those times will come less frequently. That when they do, the cravings will be easier to ignore. And that I will have more days like this: with my eyes straight ahead, focused and calm.