Doing BLE right is a bit of a learning curve. While the BLE blueprint is amazingly simple at its core, with 4 universally applicable rules, there is a lot of room for personalization. SPT acknowledges this, making it clear that BLE is and must be adaptable. For instance, while the only absolute prohibitions are sugar and flour, individuals may find that they have to cut out certain other food items that are fine for most people, but act as triggers for them. It’s an interesting process, as you get to know your brain’s particular susceptibilities better. The last time I attempted BLE, I discovered that I cannot handle cheese. I can trace my 2018 Christmas Breakdown to a few pieces of cheese at a small party at school. Although planned and accounted for beforehand, something about that cheese left me wanting more. And while it didn’t escalate right then, that was definitely where the spiral began.
So now I know. I cannot eat cheese. I can eat yogurt, and I can drink milk. But cheese is off the menu. And I don’t even feel bad about it. My love of cheese, a long-standing and passionate affair, is something I am willing to sacrifice. Cause I know it will be worth it.
Today, I learned that I cannot handle nuts.
It was only a few handfuls of cashews. But they were not planned, they were not weighed, and they were not ok. So now I know. This is an important lesson, one I wish I could have learned another way, but still valuable. I won’t keep nuts around anymore. I’ll avoid places where I know they’ll be lurking. And just like the cheese, I’m not really going to miss them. The world is full of other, more satisfying food options.
To be fair, though, my issue with nuts is probably one I could have predicted. I had a feeling they wouldn’t sit right, and avoided them when doing BLE last year. This lesson was really more of a confirmation of that suspicion.
The more surprising thing I learned was this: I can stop.
It didn’t happen as soon as I wish it had. I was well on my way to actual binge territory. I knew exactly what was going on, with no more pretense of having this count as both my fat and protein dinner portions. I was beyond that. I knew I was out of control, and I didn’t really care. It wasn’t flour, it wasn’t sugar, and really, how much harm could it do? But before I would have thought it possible, I realized that I didn’t want this. That I had something much more important I was working towards, and eating was not going to make me happy. And I stopped. I put away the cashews, and I got on with my day.
I didn’t eat any more NMF. I didn’t want to. And strangely, though I felt bad for letting that happen, and I still find it embarrassing enough that I did not want to make this the subject of today’s blog, I don’t feel like it’s the end of the world. I’m not beating myself up for it. I don’t feel like it’s ruined everything or that I’m starting back at square one. I feel more committed. Because I am not making this mistake again. I am done with it.
Just like flour, sugar, and cheese: nuts, you are dead to me.
My room is looking pretty good, by the way; but a little over-filled, as if it’s holding more stuff than it really should. Which is accurate. I have a household’s worth of stuff crammed into one room – a spacious room, but still, one room. I may need to grab another box or 2 and put a few more things in storage. It’s tough, but right now, I don’t have the space for non-essentials. Like cashews and cheese. Maybe someday. But for now, they need to be put away.